


Let's Grow a Bit First

by coolman6787



Category: Lazer Team (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, dont worry it only gets as inappropriate as the movie does, spoilers ofc, takes place right after the movie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolman6787/pseuds/coolman6787
Summary: Before heading off into space, first Lazer Team has to endure some intense training by DETIA among other things on Earth that conspire to make their life a living hell.





	1. Thanks for Nothing, General!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! this a multi-chapter fic that takes place right after the movie. 
> 
> I am so passionate about the movie and I got so hyped for the sequel that I couldn't help but offer my own interpretation as to what happens after the movie! 
> 
> Also, shoutout to 'yorkisms' or 'letthelazerteamlive' on tumblr for helping motivate me to start this in the first place!
> 
> Enjoy! :D

In Milford, Texas, the morning was young, the sun having just risen.

A camouflage, heavy utility truck made its way across a field of sand and short grass. Behind and in front of the truck were several other military vehicles, all heading to the DETIA military base.

Sat inside the truck’s hooded cargo bed, four ‘heroes’ were basking in the afterglow of their victory. The quartet known as ‘Lazer Team’ adorned smiles from ear to ear in celebration, their matching gray and black spandex suits covered from head to toe in dirt, grime, and blood stains.

Alongside the four, two male soldiers were sat beside them near the end of the cargo bed, as if to guard them or prevent another escape attempt. They couldn't tell which one. They were statue-like and armed with guns pointed upwards. The robotic movements and emotionless facial expressions of the DETIA soldiers always felt disturbing to Hagan ever since first arriving at the base.

The four were excitedly chattering, like old friends reminiscing at a bar. Incidentally, Herman was sipping from a can of beer that he nabbed from a cheering bystander on the way to the truck.

After a while, the laughter and talk died down and they were left to the sounds of the shaking truck. In this quiet moment, Hagan chose to observe the state of his teammates after the battle.

To his right was Woody, whom had closed his eyes and laid his helmet against the soldier’s shoulder like a child to their parent. It was a comical sight and the soldier didn’t seem to mind, his face still unmoving.

Woody looked uncomfortable however, as his face was scrunched up, and his arms were wrapped around his stomach. It is then that Hagan remembers Woody hasn’t eaten in days because of the helmet and he wonders if they’ll ever even make into space before he dies of starvation.

Looking at Zach, he could tell the kid was beat. He laid back against the wall of the cargo bed. His eyes were closed too, the laser gun on his lap, and his left hand resting on top of it.

Seeing Zach so exhausted reminded him of days that his daughter would return home from school after cheerleading practice and throw herself onto the couch. Then he'd pop in whatever leftovers they had left, from the night before, into the microwave and make a seat for himself on the couch by playfully shoving her legs aside. Afterwards he'd catch a football game on TV, then wake up a grumpy Mindy a while later so she could do her homework. 

After the fight with the ‘Worg’ champion, he recalls briefly greeting Mindy before being rushed into the truck by the military. Before he could even say his goodbyes, a crowd of reporters and news crews stood between him and Mindy, asking him questions and flashing their cameras at him. 

Hagan still longed for a better reunion with his daughter.

Across from him was Herman. He was resting with his arms crossed, the beer can from earlier rolling on the floor of the cargo bed. 

Hagan begins to feel nostalgic, as he remembers that they’re fighting on the same side again, not opposite ones.

His eyelids feel heavier as he goes to sleep, satisfied.

* * *

The truck slowly rolled to a stop, the base coming into view. They were several gray buildings of various sizes, with one brick building being the hospital unit that the Lazer Team became infamous for breaking out of. There were fences with curled barbed wire on top, bordering the perimeter of the base. The area around the base was flat concrete, and behind it, perfectly trimmed grass of an appealing shade of green. 

Four trucks ahead, on the road, the driver of the lead truck requested clearance from the base’s security booth. Moments later, the arm of the booth came up, and the fence gate opened, the chain of trucks moving along to the vehicle bay like a snake.

When they entered the vehicle bay, the change of the vehicle's momentum and the darkening of the cargo bed from the inside awoke a groggy Hagan. The others followed suit, waking up one by one.

Hagan rubbed his eyes and Zach yawned, his hand coming up to scratch his head but instead he ended up bumping his forehead with the cannon rather hard. He rubbed his forehead with his other hand, muttering a low 'ow'. Embarrassed, he looked around to see if anyone noticed his mistake. 

Fortunately for him, no one saw.

Woody's eyelids fluttered for a bit, however he closed them again, refusing to wake up. The soldier that he was laying on got up, and hopped off the truck, leaving Woody to bump his head on the seat and wake up with a grunt.

Both soldiers were off the truck and they motioned for them to get off the truck as well. Woody and Zach hopped off as Hagan hit Herman lightly on the arm, causing him to wake up with a startled twitch. They both followed, with Herman grumbling, and they hopped off the truck as well.

The two soldiers walk to the side without saying anything and then stop after a bit, turning around to look at the four. The four look at each other for a moment, confused, then begin following the soldiers. When they started following, the soldiers resume walking through the vehicle bay. Other soldiers and military personnel still exiting their vehicles as they passed them. 

Eventually they came to a stop, when one of the soldiers opened a door and the two soldiers positioned themselves on both sides of the door frame. They were facing forwards without blinking, appearing motionless. As if to test whether they were alive or not, Hagan approached one of them and snapped his fingers in front of their face. They still didn't blink.

This occupied Hagan for a few seconds until he heard a cough from behind that surprised him. Turning around he saw that it was Colonel Emory. He wasn't upset, rather, he seemed amused. Hagan gave an awkward chuckle then quickly moved towards his teammates to make room for the Colonel, forming a line with the others.

"Smooth," Zach joked, elbowing his ribs. Hagan elbowed Zach back and shushed him.

Emory walked forward then stopped at the doorway. He turned to face Lazer Team.

"Lazer Team," he said calmly. "There's someone I'd like you to meet." He gestured for them to follow him. "Come with me," he said and they followed him, through several hallways while making numerous turns. They were confused and still rattled from the fight, making their motions sloppy and messy.

_Right. Left. Left. Right. Right. Left. Right._

For some reason, Woody felt it important to remember which turns they were making.

They stopped at a dark room, lit mainly by monitors on the walls and computer monitors that belonged to many lab coated scientists that were furiously typing. The whole setup reminded Zach of the computer lab at the high school from earlier, except even 'nerdier'. On a distant monitor, Zach noticed what looked like a blueprint model of the Antarian ship that was hovering above the football field. He raised an eyebrow at this but made no further comment. 

Emory stood near an excited Vandenbloom, who was giving the team two thumbs up, an imposing general with a stern face, and his two lackeys. He wore glasses and a dark green military suit with an array of pins. Now the Lazer Team didn't know who this was but already felt like he had cut a more threatening look than the Colonel did, as he was tall and stood straight. Both of his arms were behind his back, his chest was puffed so as to give a sense of authority. 

"Lazer Team, this is General Cale," Colonel Emory motioned to him. General Cale bowed his head while introduced.

"Who?" Zach asked rather crudely and loudly. 

Emory's eyes widened at his rudeness. 

"I think he means the man who wanted to set off the nukes in the first place," Woody exclaimed while pointing to the General, a bit of fear evident in his voice. Looking at his uniform and the stiff attention nearby soldiers gave him, Woody had already been able to assume he was of a high position. But the silver-colored briefcase that one of his lackeys was holding (it was handcuffed to their wrist) was something the Helmet warned as being linked to several explosives. 

Even more embarrassed, the Colonel now turned to Woody to shoot daggers at him. 

"Oh, this fool?" Herman clicks his tongue and waves him off with one hand. "Man, why would you even try that? It didn't work in Independence Day!" 

"Hah! That's what I said!" Vandenbloom stammered excitedly. Emory turned to him and smacked his side, though this didn't seem to phase the exuberant Officer.

"Wait, really?" Zach questioned.

"Yeah I did, I really did!" Vandenbloom answers pointing to himself, a wide smile on his face. 

He had always secretly rooted for Lazer Team, but never showed it because of how antagonized and mocked they were by the rest of the base. Now that they were regarded as 'heroes', he felt overjoyed to be able to express his enthusiasm over their achievements.

"Not you, dumbass! _Him_!" Zach replies. He points the laser gun to the General as a gesture and asks, "Why would you try to set off a nuke?"

"Don't point the gun at the General!" Emory seethes to Zach. If steam could erupt from his ears like they do in the cartoons, they would.

Zach didn't seem to hear him though and waited for an answer from the General, but Hagan lowered the gun down for him anyways so that it was pointed to the ground. 

Suddenly, General Cale laughed heartily as he held onto his stomach with one hand and adjusted his tie with the other. His voice was deep and sounded strange when laughing, almost unfitting.

"It's alright Emory," he assured the flustered Colonel. "I was merely a part of an entire _council_ of officials who had decided to use the nukes in event that no other option was feasible." He has stopped laughing but still appeared to have a slight smile and continued, "I _did_ however support the decision, but am glad that you all ultimately managed to execute a much _safer_ alternative."

"How _much_ safer we talking?" Herman asked, one eyebrow raised.

"A few _million_ people safer, Mr. Mendoza," the General answered, chuckling.

"You got that right!" Herman responds, a widespread grin growing on his face. He reaches across from Woody for a fist bump and Zach responds by lightly bumping the laser gun on his fist, a wide smile on his face too. 

Emory rolls his eyes at this but a smile appears on his face as well nonetheless.

"Yes well, I'd just like to offer my thanks and the appreciation of the United States government," General Cale says, reaching out his right hand to shake each of theirs.

He shakes hands with Herman who looks disturbed as he offers his hand limply. Herman doesn't feel quite so comfortable with the guy, especially because of the whole 'almost nuking Milford' thing. 

He then proceeds to Woody who retracts his hand when it almost meets his. 

"Apologies, sir. It's just that shaking hands is known to be an effective way for germs to spread," Woody states. 

As Woody says this, Herman begins wiping his hand on his thigh in disgust. 

"Perhaps a fist bump instead?" 

General Cale looked at Woody oddly before closing his fist and connecting it to Woody's. 

When he goes to shake Zach's hand, he instead raises his gun awkwardly. So General Cale, realizing the issue, switches to his left hand before they shake. 

The General goes to shake Hagan's hand with his left hand but sees him raise the gauntlet awkwardly as well, but instead of switching hands again, he decides to simply pat the gauntlet.

It becomes apparent that the whole exchange feels rather uncomfortable. 

The General just smiles at them again and then turns to shake Emory's hand. While shaking his hand, he brings the Colonel close and whispers something into his ear. The Colonel nods in reply. The General then escorts himself from the room by cutting in-between the four of them to leave. His two lackeys follow hi., the one in glasses waving to the four in thanks before disappearing into the hallway.

A brief silence lingers in the air after they leave. The beeping of the computers around them and messy typing is all they hear for a few moments.

"So, uh, what was the point of that exchange?" Hagan asks, breaking the silence.

"The point of that exchange, Mr. Hagan," Emory began. "Is that he and this _council_ he mentioned are the same people who authorized Project _Perseus_ , and have now authorized Project _Pegasus_."

Hagan and Herman note how odd 'Mr. Hagan' sounds under their breath, but Emory ignores this.

"And I think you all might agree that it would only be appropriate to meet the people that are sending you to space, correct?" Emory says, grinning.

"Uh, sure I guess, but look can we talk about that for a second?" Hagan asks, curiosity obvious in his tone. "I'm kinda unclear about what the conditions for that are exactly... you guys just sorta dropped that on us after the battle, so I'm not so sure I'd be up for going to space right away..." he trailed off.

"I'm sure you are all very 'worn out' from the events of the past few days," Emory said to the four, whose eyes were all half-closed tiredly. "How about we discuss this tomorrow?" He then gestures to Vandenbloom, "Vandenbloom, would you please take the Lazer Team to their new quarters?"

"Yes, sir!" Vandenbloom salutes.

"Woah, hold up," Herman orders. Vandenbloom pauses after taking a single step. "Our _new_ quarters?" he asked.

The other three look at the Colonel, curious as well.

"Yes," Emory confirms. "After 'saving the world', it's only fitting you all receive new quarters. The last one was essentially a prison, was it not?"

They all nod and murmur in agreement. They all especially remember the toilet that stood only a few feet away from their beds. Zach knew this better than anyone, as someone who slept the closest to it.

"I _did_ have to take a dump in the same room as where we slept," Herman points out. 

"Oh yeah, that is _not_ something pleasant to wake up to," Hagan adds, waving at his nose and gagging. "You didn't even _try_ to stay quiet!" 

Hagan begins to glare at Herman.

Emory reacts by grimacing in disgust. Like before, he could only watch what was the astounding stupidity of their bickering.

"I agree with Hagan," Zach adds. "Especially since when you _did_ shit, I was practically 'face-to-ass with you'."

"Look a man's gotta go when a man's gotta go," Herman replies, shrugging his shoulders.

Hagan begins to retaliate, his gauntlet pointed to Herman, but Emory interjects before he has to hear any of their remaining bathroom habits.

"Well, rest assured, your new quarters will contain a bathroom separate from the main room," Emory states. 

"Alright! That's what I'm talking about!" Herman cheers, pumping his hands up in the air.

They all turn to walk to their new quarters and Vandenbloom scoots to the front, to lead them. After they disappear into the hallway,the last thing Emory sees is Vandenbloom turning to the team then walking backwards, and the last thing Emory hears is of them is Vandenbloom abandoning all formalities and congratulating them incessantly for their victory. 

"You guys were great! Good teamwork out there! So guys look, I have a nephew who is a _big_ fan of yours and I was wondering..."

* * *

Vandenbloom talks the whole way over about the tons of relatives that apparently love Lazer Team. His mom (who Zach had to refrain making jokes about), the aforementioned nephew, an aunt, etc. The team lost track of how many he mentioned already. Woody was playing music on his helmet to block the chatter.

"Look, buddy, you don't have to make up fake relatives if it's really _you_ that wants an autograph," Zach jests to Vandenbloom.

The young Officer laughs nervously, and bumps into a scientist holding a clipboard while walking backwards. He turns to face forward and makes a left turn. Almost immediately, a dark blue door comes into view. Two soldiers were guarding the door, and Hagan couldn't tell if they were the same two soldiers in the truck. The mannerisms and attire of the soldiers blinded him from any other distinguishing traits they had, so all soldiers looked the same to him. 

On the door were painted words that read "Lazer Team" in white letters. 

The two soldiers made room for them and Vandenbloom goes to unlock the door, the four looking at each other not knowing what to expect. Woody turns off his music. 

Vandenbloom turns the knob, and pushes the door open, inviting them to enter. They all walk through the door, their mouths agape. 

It's not particularly impressive, but certainly a big improvement from their previously offered living conditions. The place was a lot more roomier than their previous bunk and with plenty of more faculties. The floor and walls were a midnight blue. 

At the corner of the room were four twin size beds, one bed apart from each other, and with two pillows each. There were individual closets with sliding doors accompanying the right side of the beds. Immediately, Zach runs to jump on the bed farthest to the right and smothers his face in the pillows.

"Oh god yes!" Zach says into the pillow. It muffled his voice, so to everyone else it sounded more like,"Ohhh, gd yeeeeeee!"

On the wall parallel to the beds were a huge fridge and a sink with drawers below it and cabinets above it. 

Near the fridge was also a dining table, though the seats were like benches and the whole thing was silver-y and metallic, as if it had been taken right from the mess halls. It probably was. 

To the right of the fridge was a high-definition flat screen TV. It looked new, and the screen reflected the light accurately. However, Herman was too focused on something else to notice it.

He races to the fridge, blowing a gust of wind at Hagan and Woody, causing them to take a step back and leaving them to rub their eyes. 

Hagan wiped at his forehead with his arm and walked up to the sink. He looks up to the cabinets with interest and opens them. Practically at the same time as Hagan pulls out a small box, Herman pulls something from the fridge.

"Food!"

"Alright, beer!" Hagan and Herman say respectively.

Another door facing the side of the beds becomes apparent to Woody, so he approaches it and peeks inside. He gasps, looking at a bathroom with marble walls, a Jacuzzi and a shower at the far end. But most importantly, a toilet that has a _lid_! The bathroom certainly didn't fit the rest of the quarters, but it looked like it had been ripped straight from a Las Vegas suite, and thus looked more than satisfying. 

"Guys, check out this bathroom!" Woody waves to them to check it out. Zach gets up from the bed to look, Hagan approaches munching on an opened granola bar, and Herman arrives chugging a cold beer.

"Wow, this might be the _nicest_ place I ever take a dump in!" Zach notes.

Hagan looks at him strangely, but is met with agreement from Herman.

"You guys like it?" Vandenbloom asked.

They all turn to look at him.

"After you guys defeated the Worg, I really pushed for it! It was originally used for something else, so we had to move some stuff around from other parts of the base, but I tried my best to-"

"Chill, man! It's cool," Herman assures. "This is a nice crib! Thanks man." He goes over to the young soldier and gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder. Vandenbloom begins walking backwards, laughing and staring at the floor while doing so.

"It really wasn't any problem," he scoffs. "Really, no problem at all. In fact it was really an honor..." 

He keeps assuring them and even after he leaves the room they can still hear him through the door.

"Okay, I like the kid, but he weirds me out sometimes," Herman states.

All of them agree in unison.

"Right? He's such an awkward soldier!" Zach laughs, Herman joining him.

"Hey," Hagan warns. "He's a good kid. And probably the only guy who has our back here."

"True," Zach agrees. "If the people here aren't weird, then they're just plain dicks."

"Yeah well, I'm just glad to have someone who's on our side." 

* * *

_The General comes in to shake the Colonel's hand and while he does, he leans in._

_"Meet me in your office after you dismiss them. We still have much to discuss," he whispers._

Emory walks down to his office, a door sign simply labeled 'Colonel' on the front. He opens it to see General Cale and his two lackeys.

His office was a mess. Two file cabinets stood at the corners of the wall that face the door. On his desk papers were scattered, some even on the floor. The General stepping on some where he stood.

"Well?" Emory asks. "You've met them in person."

The General inhales deeply then exhales. His eyebrows are creased and he's staring off into space. He opens his mouth but doesn't find the right words to say so he closes them again.

Eventually, he finds the right words and speak.

"They certainly are _intriguing_ ," he manages. "And while they impressed me and many of _them_ back there..."

The General takes a moment to clear his throat before continuing.

"...I still fail to see how they would have performed any better than _Adam_ would have."

Something in Emory's chest starts to ache at the mention of his name. He ignores it and speaks.

"B-But the President has already green-lit Project Pegasus, sir," stammers Emory.

"Yes, he has," Cale agrees. "But no one said _who_ would be behind this project."

Emory begins to feel lightheaded. _Decades_ of his life dedicated to Project Perseus, and they were implying he couldn't oversee this? Rage boils inside of him and maybe some hopelessness. Like Adam's sacrifice was a waste because he couldn't even train them as Adam would have wanted. He tries to conceal all these feelings and does his best to act composed.

"What are you saying?" Emory asks, his voice trembling slightly.

The General wipes his mouth, then pushes his glasses up.

"I'm saying that they have potential," he elaborates. "We could all see that the suit separated has _innumerable_ advantages."

He pauses for a second.

"But, dear god Emory!" the General exclaims. "You trained Adam well, but you couldn't even ensure that the carrier vessel arrived to your base safely! And to top it off, the best candidate to train the Perseus Squad just died!"

The General sounds frustrated. And he is, as years of consistently being skeptical about Emory's efforts and not being listened to by the others has taken a toll on him. 

He takes another deep breath, and decides to speak again.

"Look, we got lucky that an effective team managed to collect the suit. I can only imagine if it were four different, _ineffective_ idiots," the General says. "But there are other Colonels, and other bases that could lead the Perseus squad..." 

For a few seconds General Cale stands in silence, as he assumes that this is a lot to process for the Colonel. But in reality, Emory was trying to cook up a compromise and finally he says something that the General didn't expect.

"One month,"

"Excuse me?"

"All I ask is for one month with the Perseus Squad," Emory requested. "One month with me and the whole crew I have down here at the base."

"That's preposterous!"

"Please just one month," the Colonel pleaded. "Just one month and if you don't see any significant improvement by then, I will hand them off to you without question and without protest!"

General Cale lightly bit his lip, then paced around the room for a bit in contemplation. He begins to nod and speaks quietly.

"One month," he says and holds up one finger. "I'll have to ask the others, but that's it. If I'm not satisfied-"

"Then you can take them, yes," Emory finished for him.

"Alright," he spoke. "Let's go."

The General motions to the two lackeys and they follow him out the door. 

When the door closes, Emory falls into his chair. He closes his eyes and sighs deeply. 

He lays there for a while then leans forward and buries his face into his hands, groaning.

 _"This is going to be one hell of a month,"_ Emory thinks to himself.

* * *

Back at their crib, Lazer Team was changing in the middle of the room. Too exhausted to shower, they instead chose to change into DETIA shirts and gray sweat pants. 

When they were almost done changing up, as Zach stretched his shirt from the bottom and Hagan finished lifting up his pants to his waist, they all hear an odd grumble. 

"What the hell was that?" Zach asked. 

They pause, waiting to hear it again. 

The noise comes again, and they find the origin is Woody. Or more specifically, Woody's stomach.

"Dude, you need to eat at some point," Zach states.

"I know!" Woody exclaims, fumbling with the helmet as if trying to remove it. "I just wish the bloody thing would damn _open_!"

Practically at command, the visor lifts up and fresh air fills Woody's lungs for the first time in days. Everyone stares at him in shock, Herman frozen with his shirt still dangling halfway from his neck.

"Ummm, _close_?" Woody attempts to command.

Almost immediately the visor shuts back into place.

Herman remembers to put his shirt on but continues to look at Woody, mouth agape.

"You mean to tell me you could've done that the whole time?" Herman asks, exasperated.

"Uh, I suppose so!" Woody says, happy he won't starve to death. " _Open!_ "

The visor lifts again and he's laughing in joy, the others joining him. They cheer for his new discovery, and Hagan pats Woody on the back as congratulations.

"So what're you gonna do now?" Hagan asks. 

Woody licks his lips, then looks around. His eyes fall to a speakerphone on the wall by the door. He runs towards it and presses a button.

" _Vandenbloom!_ " Woody shouts into the microphone.

"Yes, Master Woody?" Vandenbloom asks through the speakerphone.

Woody's excitement is momentarily put on hold in surprise of what the Officer called him.

" _Master_ Woody?"

"Yep!" Vandenbloom replied excitedly.

"Yeah, um, no, never call me or any of us 'Master' again please," Woody requests, perturbed. 

" _You can call me 'Master' if you like!_ " Herman shouted from across the room. 

Hagan shoots him a look that says 'Come on, really?'. 

Herman just shrugs in response.

"You got it Mr. Johnson!" Vandenbloom complied.

Woody sighed. He supposed that would be the best thing he could settle with.

"So what was it you wanted?"

"Oh right!" Woody remembered. "Can I have twenty hamburgers?"

"...."

Silence for a few beats and then... 

"Twenty _what_?"

* * *

Moments later, Woody sat at the table, his visor open. In front of him, on the table was a disorganized pile of burgers, each wrapped in yellow paper.

Everyone was crowded around Woody including Vandenbloom, who had brought them in. 

Woody grabbed a burger, and viciously tore off the wrapping. He shoved it in his mouth, grease getting all over his face and on his mustache. He didn't care though, he hadn't eaten in _four_ days.

In a matter of seconds, he finished the burger and grabbed another from the pile for more. As he was chomping on that burger, he paused to look at everyone around him.

"Well, don't mind me," Woody said. "Have some if you want!"

Hagan and Herman stare at each other, then at the pile. They both shrug and accept the invitation, making a seat for themselves at the table and grabbing a burger. Despite not being as hungry as Woody was, they ate just as messily as him, grease smudging on their beards as well.

Zach sits on the table and rests his feet on the empty space next to Herman. 

"Fat-asses," he scoffs, shaking his head.

While the three continued to eat, Vandenbloom's hand reaches for one but he shrinks back. 

Herman notices this and says,"Come on then! Take one, you know you want one!"

A grin spreads on Vandenbloom's face as he sits down and takes a burger. Unlike them though, instead of tearing off the wrapping, he unfolds it slowly and calmly. He takes the burger and holds it with his pinkies in the air and takes a slow bite of it.

Vandenbloom eats it quietly and slowly, while the other three ravage their meals. Woody is already on his fourth, and Herman and Hagan have just finished their first ones, and they go to grab a second one from the pile.

To anyone else, their eating would look disgusting. Pieces of the burger meat were falling onto the table and the bottom halves of their faces were slick with grease (save for Vandenbloom of course, who was still patient with his food). But to Zach, who didn't eat back at the cabin either, it looked pretty appetizing. 

He shakes his head again and rolls his eyes. After a few moments, Zach caves and grabs a burger for himself too.


	2. You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round

On a small tablet, the news was on, four men in jumpsuits armed with alien technology were on the screen. A reporter approached one of the four men, the one armed with a cannon on his right hand.

"Excuse me, the whole world wants to know: Who are you guys?" the reporter asked, pushing the microphone closer to the man's face.

"We're the guys who just saved the planet," he stated, holding onto his ribs. "We're Lazer Team."

He brought a blonde girl, who looked to be about his age, closer to him by her back and they kissed. Two of the other men, one wearing boots and the other a gauntlet on his left hand, shook hands. The helmet-wearing one began talking, something about upgrades, but their discussion became lost to the people watching it. 

The tablet was on a table in a living room that seemed to be from that of a cramped, messy apartment. Two men were sitting on opposite sides of the table. 

One of them had a cut on his lip and long, shaggy brown hair that stopped at his shoulders. His skin was leathery and he had a tired, unfeeling look on his face. He wore a wife beater, gray chest hair exposed above where the shirt hung, and pants that looked like distressed jeans but were really just worn out. The man was fairly built, as he had toned arms and a torso that was muscular but lean. He looked to be about in his 40s. The tablet was facing him, he had been watching the recorded news, his reaction being observed by those on the other end of the table.

The man opposite to him was accompanied with two other men, not sitting but standing, by his side. They were wearing sunglasses and suits, with earpieces that had wires running down their necks. The man himself was also wearing a suit, but his sunglasses were set down on the table. His hair was black but graying, gelled back but sticking up all over the place. His hands were linked together and both elbows were on the table. He looked to be in his late 50s. He spoke up.

"We want you to kill them," he stated.

The long haired man scratched at his scraggly chin, and replied.

"These four?" he asked, a Russian accent apparent in his voice. "I can't take those guys, you saw them, they're armed with this-this alien shit."

"Yes," the older man agreed. "Which is exactly why we're after them. We want it."

The Russian man scoffed and shook his head. 

"You're insane."

In response, the older man just chuckled and pulled out a brief case. He inserted a key into it and twisted, then unbuckled both locks. He turned the briefcase around and opened it. It was fully stacked with hundred dollar bills by each inch. The bills were stacked '3 x 8' and were held together by golden bill straps.

The Russian man gasped and stared at it obsessively. He reached his hand for it, but its owner closed it before he could touch a single bill.

"You'll get it if you accept this job," offered the well-dressed businessman. "And if you finish it, you'll never need another job."

The assassin thought for a moment, then clicked his tongue a few times.

"So once I've killed them what do you want me to do with them?" he asked.

"Just bring us their bodies with the alien tech and you'll get paid," answered the mysterious associate.

The assassin felt tempted but he was conflicted with doubt. He sighed and began to speak.

"This is the biggest job I've ever been asked," the assassin stated. "What if I get hunted for this?"

"We've got that covered," the associate assured him. "We'll give you a new identity and you can choose to live at any other country you like."

"But why did you choose me?" asked the younger man. "I'm just a scrappy hit-man barely getting by."

"Because you have an impeccable record. Over one hundred kills and a clean head shot for each of them. They called you 'Deadshot' I believe."

"No," the hit-man stated.

"What? Like the comic book villain?" 

"No" he replied aggressively. "I didn't know it was a comic book character! Now I go by 'Head-shot'."

The employer gave him a strange look.

"I'm work-shopping different names," stated the hit-man. "It's not final."

"So you'll do it?" 

'Head-shot' sucked his teeth in and breathed out, as if to reconsider taking the job. He gulped and then made a decision.

"Yeah I'll do it."

* * *

It had been hours since they devoured the twenty or so burgers, and after their miniature food coma, changed into clean DETIA shirts and camouflage pants. Lazer Team walked through the doors of the DETIA mess hall with renewed energy and satisfaction. The mess hall was empty of people, except for the cooks who were seen in the kitchen, but filled with tables. They all looked like the one table that was placed in their new quarters. An empty spot was seen where a table should have been, confirming their suspicions the one they had was taken from here.

Herman rubbed his belly over his shirt, and seemed joyful.

"Oh that sure hit the spot!" he said. "Seconds, here I come!"

"You're telling me," Woody said. "Eating for the first time in days is such a relief!"

"Don't you mean 'fifths'?" Hagan speculated. "We all ate like four or five."

"Well then, 'fifths' here I come!" 

They all walked to the tray line, where newly cooked food was steaming. There were mashed potatoes, corn kernels, tamales, refried beans, and more. The four each grabbed a plate and stood in line, nearly drooling after the appetizing food steaming in front of them. From behind the tray line and in the kitchen, one of the chefs was wearing a chef's uniform, complete with a chef hat. He appeared old in age with a thin, gray mustache.

"More burgers Lazer Team?" the chef asked delightfully. He spoke with an Italian accent.

"Hmm, actually..." Herman pondered. "Can I have a waffle chicken sandwich with steak fries?"

The chef nodded and left to make his request, as if he had already been familiar with the meal that the rest were not.

"A waffle chicken sandwich?" Zach asked.

"Yeah!" Herman replied enthusiastically. "You know, a piece of boneless chicken between two toasted waffles. It's great!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," Hagan said. "Waffles with chicken?"

"You guys never had any?"

The three shook their heads slowly, unsure if they were supposed to have had it before.

"Well, I'm gonna fix that," Herman said. He called to the chef, "Hey! Three more over here for my pals!"

The chef nodded with a smile as he turned the oven on.

The four walked to a nearby table and sat themselves down, Hagan and Herman sitting across from Zach and Woody respectively, where everyone except for Hagan began talking to each other. 

Despite being in the company of three other people, he felt all alone. Their talking dissolved into incoherent chatter, a background noise for Hagan's thoughts. He could feel a familiar loneliness slowly approach him. 

"Hey, you good?"

Hagan blinked in rapid succession and realizes that he's been blankly staring at space for a good 10 minutes or so now. He feels an elbow bump against his.

"Hagan, you alright?" Herman asked.

While collecting himself to answer, the chef came in holding all four plates. He brought and set the plates in front of each of them.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," Hagan replied. "Just missing Mindy is all."

"Your daughter'll be fine!" Herman assured him, patting his shoulder. "She's eighteen! She can take of herself!"

"I know she can," Hagan agreed, nodding. 

"Hell yeah she can!" Zach said, raising an eyebrow. "You know who _else_ she can take care of?"

A slight smile that was growing on Hagan's face becomes a frown, and he begins to glare at Zach. An awkward silence between them ensues.

"Me, I meant me," Zach elaborated. "She can take care of me because she'll be-"

"I get it!" Hagan interrupted, lifting his gauntlet. "Look you can date my daughter, just _please_ don't joke around like that."

"Okay, okay I won't!" Zach complied, lifting his hands up in surrender. "But what did you mean by _joking_?"

"Zach..." Hagan warned.

"Kidding, I'm kidding!" Zach assured him.

While listening to their back-and-forth, Herman picked up his waffle sandwich while being amused at their exchange. 

Woody looked at his own waffle sandwich and is about to open his mouth to command his visor open. Before he does however, red text appears connected to his and everybody's burgers:

> WARNING!
> 
> CONTAINS ANABOLIC-ANDROGENIC STEROIDS

Woody yelped and, as Herman went in to take a bite, slapped the burger out his hand. Hagan and Zach stopped bickering to look Woody's direction. The waffle chicken sandwich had been spread out on the mess hall floor.

"What the hell'd you do that for Woody?!" Herman exclaimed, getting up.

"Your sandwich has been laced with steroids!" Woody explained. 

"Huh?" Hagan uttered in disbelief, getting up as well.

" _All_ of these sandwiches have been laced with steroids!" Woody asserted. Suddenly, he picked up Zach's sandwich and threw it across the room. It lands on the empty spot where their table was moved from.

"Dude, I didn't even touch it," Zach stated confused.

"Oh, well uh, it doesn't hurt to be on the safe side!" Woody said nervously with two thumbs up.

"Why does our food have steroids?" Hagan asked.

Woody shrugged, just as confused as he is.

Herman cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled across the room to the chef in the kitchen.

 _"Hey Chef Boyardee!"_ Herman shouted. "What's up? Why'd you put steroids in our food?!"

"I ordered him to put it in," a voice interrupted. 

The four turn around and see the Colonel accompanied by Vandenbloom. When the champions had woken up from their burger coma, he had disappeared. He was holding a bulky, silver case and waved to them behind the Colonel and mouthed the words "Hey guys!". 

They ignored him.

"Why would you order them to give us steroids?" Hagan asked. He walked closer to the Colonel and is followed by Herman and Woody. Zach got up from his seat and walked over to stand next to them as well.

Emory is sporting his camouflage uniform with the cap and everything. His hands are behind his back, something that feels condescending to Hagan now that he realizes it.

"It's to improve your physique," Emory claimed. "Now, I know it's unethical but we are on a time limit. We need to see improvements, and we need to see them _soon_.

"Yeah, but steroids?!" Zach said in anger. "Steroids are for pussies that can't pack on some muscles themselves!"

Zach lifted up his left arm and flexed, kissing his bicep.

"See? This baby is _all_ natural."

"Woah, woah," Hagan began, going back to the topic. "If this is about going to space, I'm sure we can work out some time to-"

"Space?!" Emory exclaimed, interrupting. "Ha! This isn't about space! This is about making sure you can _go_ to space!"

"What?" Hagan questioned, confused. "But I thought the battle with the Worg champion was enough to send us to space."

"I thought so too!" Emory stated, hands raised. "But I met up with General Cale a few hours ago, and unless you all manage to display some major improvement after a month, you will all be sent to another Colonel and another base in another state!"

"Oh, no. No I can't go to another state," Hagan stated in concern. "I have a daughter that lives _here_. In Milford, Texas."

"Mr. Hagan," Emory started. "You won't so much as even able to text or call your daughter, or anyone for that matter, if you are transferred to a new base. If you all think you haven't received much freedom from us here, then you'll be in for one hell of a ride."

The four said nothing and fidgeted in digesting this info dump. Woody broke the silence, "So what do we do now?"

"We train every day until the day the General and officials come in to examine the progress you've made. This will be done by witnessing your performance in a highly difficult and elaborate simulation," Emory told them. 

They sighed and Zach ran a hand through his hair. Hagan rubbed his elbow nervously and Herman bumped the top of his boot against the floor. 

_"This is going to be one hell of a month,"_ they all thought simultaneously. 

"I don't really wanna talk about this training stuff he pleaded to the Colonel.

The Colonel thought for a moment, and Hagan is sure he'll say no, and so he prepared his words to defend himself.

"Okay," Emory answered. Hagan became confused by the simplicity and compliance of his response.

"Okay?" Hagan repeated, pretty sure he would have denied him.

The Colonel nodded, "Yes, you've all been through a lot these past few days. I'll allow all of you to go out for a few hours under certain conditions."

"Sweet!" Herman remarked in joy. "Me and Woody will go out for a beer run, it's been awhile." 

"Yeah, and maybe we can light up some more fireworks!" Woody exclaimed, excited. Herman high fived Woody, who grinned in a way that reminds Herman he was still Woody, even if he did wear a helmet that multiplied his intelligence.

"The first condition, is that you four must all stay together," Emory expanded. This made Herman's previous excitement turn into disappointment. 

"Why?" Herman questioned. "We all got different places to be. Me and Woody wanna go out for beer and Hagan wants to go see his daughter," he complained. "And Zach's gonna do whatever he wants to do."

"I'm gonna go see Mindy too," Zach confirmed, nodding. 

"Okay but first I am going to have a father-and-daughter talk with Mindy, in the meantime you can go ahead and talk to your football buddies!" Hagan rebuked. 

"Yeah, right!" Zach scoffed. "How about we _both_ go visit Mindy, and whoever she wants to talk to first she'll talk to first," he challenged Hagan.

"No, you will all go to wherever you want _together_ ," Emory ordered them. "You are all public now. 'Lazer Team' is a worldwide presence, and while most of the world is grateful that you've saved the Earth, other nations see you all as threats. American weapons against the rest of the world. You'll all want to stick together to avoid any potential assassinations."

"Nuh uh, I don't want to get assassinated," Herman admitted. He turned to Hagan, "We'll go with you to see your daughter, but we're stopping on the way for beer. Remember? You owe me two cases of beer and a foot massage!"

"You remembered that?" Hagan asked, surprised he actually recalled his specific demands. 

"Heck yeah, I never forget what someone owes me!"

Hagan rolled his eyes, "I'm sure there will beer at my ex-wife's place, you can get beer there."

"That's fine with me," Herman responded, seemingly satisfied. "All right, let's head out then."

They all started to walk, until the Colonel walked in front of them and put his hands up to halt them, "Wait, one more condition." Herman hung his head down, exasperated. 

Emory motioned to Vandenbloom and he opens the case he was holding on a nearby table. Inside it are four thick, black bracelets. The Colonel and Officer each grab two of them and hand them to Lazer Team. They stare at it quizzically.

"You will all be required to wear these," Emory instructed them. "They will track your location at all times in event of a mishap and in addition, double as communicators."

The four snap them onto their right wrists, except for Zach who struggles to put on his left wrist. Vandenbloom tries to help him, but Zach stubbornly refuses, shouting, "I got this!" After a minute or two of struggling to put it on, he allows Vandenbloom to snap it on. 

"Thanks," Zach mumbled, thinking Vandenbloom wouldn't hear him. He did though and smiled a smile that showed his pearly whites and he nodded in fulfillment. 

The four noticed the bracelets had small speakers and a button they assume allows them to talk into it.

"The bracelets' communicators are linked to Vandenbloom and I," Emory explained, Vandenbloom waving to them quickly at the mention of his name. "Here, you can alert us if you are in trouble or request back-up. " _Don't_ abuse it," he emphasized sternly

"What if we're in a situation where we can't use our communicators and we're in some sort of situation?" Hagan asked. 

"If the communicators are jammed, they're forced off by outside forces, or damaged, we will be alerted immediately," Emory assured him.

"Alright," Herman started. "But no more steroid food!" he exclaims, pointing to the Colonel.

"Yeah!" Zach agreed. "We'll only accept protein shakes and those cute little gummy vitamins!" he stated enthusiastically.

Everyone looked at him with a raised eyebrow in confusion.

"You know? Those little gummies that you take twice every day that helps you grow and shit?" Zach claimed, left fingers nearly pinched together, but not touching, as if to convey the size of the gummies to the team. 

"Fine," the Colonel complied, unknowingly saving Zach from a snarky remark by Herman. "But this means you will have to train twice as hard," he compromised. "You all may have saved the Earth, but this is _just the beginning_."

* * *

On the road of the small town, Milford, a camouflage military truck drove down and stopped at a stop light. It stood out immensely among the cars that stood beside it. Unlike their previous truck, this one did not have a cargo bed and had seats that could occupy up to five people. Woody was at the helm of the wheel as, per Herman's request, Hagan couldn't drive due to a previous incident that occurred on the way to a football field. Herman sat up front with Woody, and Zach and Hagan sat at the back of the truck. 

The sun was nearly setting, which cast a pretty orange and pink hue in the sky.

"Yeah, just make a left turn here," Hagan instructed Woody.

The light turned green and the truck turned left, stopping at the end of a cul-de-sac. In front of them was the modest house that belonged to Mindy's Mom.

"Hagan, are you sure your ex-wife won't be here?" Woody asked Hagan.

"Nah, her shift ends at eight at night," Hagan claimed.

The digital clock near the truck's radio displayed '6:39' in bright green.

"We got more than enough time," Hagan added, unbuckling his seat belt. 

The four exited the vehicle and walked towards the front door of the house. The door was wooden and a welcome mat stood underneath Hagan's feet with a cursive font and blue birds on each corner. Lazer Team lined up at the door and could hear sound blaring from a TV through the door. 'Web Bomb' was playing, the exuberant host talking loudly as viral videos played.

Hagan rung the door bell and they quietly waited for a response. Faint foot steps were heard, then the door was opened by a certain blonde cheerleader. She was wearing a gray and pink hoodie and jeans and her hair was loose, spilling freely at her back.

"Daddy!" Mindy cheered. She moved in to hug Hagan and he kissed the top of her head before separating.

"Hey sweetie," Hagan said smiling. "Can we come in?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure!" Mindy replied.

"Great, thanks," Hagan entered the house and sat down on the living room couch, which was dark red and made of leather.

Behind Hagan was Zach, who greeted Mindy with a brief peck to the lips and a hug. 

"Hey," Zach greeted, his left hand on her waist.

"Heeeeyyyy," Mindy responded flirtatiously. Hagan made a disapproving look at them from the couch.

Zach stepped into the house, sitting next to Hagan on the couch. 

Herman followed, raising his hand in a peace sign, "Sup."

"Greetings!" Woody said to her, walking behind Herman. Mindy stared at them strangely from behind, then shrugged before finally closing and locking the door.

"There any beer around here?" Herman asked to no one in particular. Her made his way to the kitchen, Woody following closely.

Mindy sat herself next to Hagan, crossing her legs, and asked, "So how are you guys?"

"Good," Zach and Hagan replied simultaneously. They looked at each other, disturbed they said the same thing at the same time.

"Uh, Zach, can you give me a moment alone with my daughter please?" Hagan requested with slight annoyance. 

Zach looked at Mindy for her decision and she said, "It's okay Zach, it'll just be a few minutes."

Zach looked back at Hagan, who gave him a shit-eating grin, and got up, muttering a quick "Fine," then walked to the kitchen.

Now that they were alone, Hagan rested his right arm on Mindy's shoulder and asked , "So, are you good? How have you been?"

Mindy threaded her fingers together and rested her hands on her lap. She bit her lip, then replied, "I've been good! School has been fine, I aced my Chem exam," Her father nodded in approval of this. "Oh and did you know people in school are calling you _Bad_ -ass Hagan now?"

"Bad-ass Hagan huh? Well it's a lot better than _Half_ -ass Hagan, so I'll take it!" he joked. Mindy laughed then recounted her day to a Hagan, who was intently listening and absorbing every detail of his daughter's day. 

* * *

Herman grabbed three beer bottles from the fridge with one hand and closed it with his right elbow. Woody and Zach both took one from his hand, while Herman searched the drawers for a bottle opener. He opened and closed a few, as they only contained silver utensils and boxes of zip-lock bags . He stopped searching when he noticed a porcelain doll on top of the microwave, a hint of the cabin's classical taste bleeding through. 

"Creepy," he muttered, picking it up. "Her Mom's house is like a prequel to her cabin!" he said sarcastically.

"What are you looking for?" Zach asked him. 

"A bottle opener."

"Why? I got this," Zach held up the beer bottle with his left hand and raised the gun. Placing the barrel of the cannon on the cap, he snapped it off and it clinked onto the floor.

"Woah!" Herman exclaimed, impressed. "Do me next, do me!" He moved the bottle closer to Zach and he snapped off the cap of his bottle with the barrel. Herman laughed, "That's a neat party trick!"

Zach did the same to Woody's bottle, and the three bump their bottles together, making a 'clinking' noise as they touch. Zach and Herman chugged a big swig then sighed in satisfaction. 

Their chugging, however, was interrupted by a yelp from Woody who dropped his bottle in fright. Broken glass and beer splattered the floor in front of Woody's feet.

"Whoa! What's up Woody?" Herman asked him. Suddenly, familiar red text appeared on Woody's visor with an arrow pointing left 

> WARNING!
> 
> ENEMY SNIPER DETECTED

Woody looked towards the direction of the living room through the kitchen wall and scrolled through his helmet's functions: 

> IMAGING:
> 
> \- SLOW MO
> 
> \- TECHNICOLOR
> 
> \- VISIBLE
> 
> \- INFRARED
> 
> \- ULTRA-VIOLET
> 
> \- X-RAY
> 
> \- OCULAR INEBRIATOR

Woody selected 'INFRARED' and saw, through the walls of both the kitchen and living room, a bright orange and red figure positioned with a sniper on the hood of their truck. The helmet projected a dotted line from the barrel of the figure's sniper to Hagan's head.

"An enemy sniper is outside the house and aiming for Hagan!" Woody exclaimed.

"Oh shit!" Zach said, worried. "What're we gonna do?" 

Woody turned to Herman, "You need to move Hagan out of the way!"

Herman rolled his eyes and sighed, "I guess I'm our resident ass-saver." 

Suddenly time slowed down for him, everything appearing to be almost motionless. Yet Herman himself seemed to be able to move at a completely normal rate. He looked around and saw Woody panicked but still, his hands grasping the sides of his helmet. Zach had his arm cannon raised in question, a worried expression adorning his face. 

Herman chugged down the rest of his own bottle, then threw the empty bottle over his shoulder. Still thirsting for beer, he tried to take Zach's beer out of his left hand. The muscles of Zach's fingers were tightly wrapped around it though, so Herman peeled his fingers off of it and grabbed the bottle as it seemed suspended in mid-air. He went to leave the kitchen, stepping over Woody's spilled beer and leisurely walked to the living room while calmly sipping from his beer. 

He saw Hagan's hand placed on his daughter's, his mouth open as if in the middle of talking while Mindy had her hand over her mouth, as she seemed to be laughing. Herman grunted and placed the beer bottle he nabbed on a stand near the lamp and grabbed Hagan by his shirt. He wrapped his other hand around Hagan's neck and flung him towards the wall opposite of the couch. 

The boot-wearing male took Mindy in his arms bridal style and ran to her room, passing the kitchen. He threw her down on her bed, threw her sheets over her body and straightened her arms to her sides. 

On his way back to the living room, he stopped at the kitchen. He saw Woody and Zach had seemed to barely change from the positions they were in last time. An idea popped in Herman's head and he snickered to himself thinking about it. He walked next to Woody and lifted his left leg so that it was on the puddle of beer. He then made his way to Zach and picked him up by his waist from behind. His lack of reaction or movement to being picked up made it look as if Herman was picking up a statue, and he placed Zach in front of Woody. Zach's left leg was facing Woody's.

Herman, satisfied, gave a light chuckle then ran back to the living room. When he returned, he saw Hagan still flying back, a look of surprise now lightly painted on his face. Feeling as if his job was done, he picked up the beer bottle and took a long gulp before time seemed to resume normally for him.

* * *

In the kitchen Woody, who was panicking, and Zach, in worried confusion, both take a step forward, slipping on the puddle of beer. They both tripped on each other's left foot and fall on their backs. They laid opposite to each other, their feet almost touching. 

"Watch it, dumb-ass!" Zach said, groaning and rubbing his right shoulder. 

"What happened?" Woody asked through heavy breathes. They both groaned in pain and writhed in a mix of confusion and back aches. 

* * *

Herman just kept sipping his beer and watched calmly as a bullet punched through the glass of the window near the front door and hit the lamp, the light bulb shattering and the lamp itself hitting the floor. As that happened, Hagan was flung and he hit the television, knocking it off the wall it was mounted on. He collapsed to the floor and as he got up with pained grunt, starting to stand with one knee, the TV fell and landed on his back, his face meeting the floor once again. 

"Watch it, dumb-ass!" Herman heard Zach exclaim in kitchen after hearing two bodies hit the floor. He chuckled to himself but found it appropriate to pick up and toss the TV away from Hagan's back and help him up.

"What the hell happened?" Hagan asked, muttering a low 'ow' while he was helped up by Herman.

"Woody detected a sniper nearby, so I came over here and helped you out," Herman tried to take another swig of his drink, but was disappointed to find it empty. He threw it to the side where it landed near the couch.

"Helped me out?!" Hagan exclaimed in frustration. "You tossed me so hard you broke a TV and almost my back!"

"What else could I have done?"

"Uh, I don't know, activate my shield for me so the bullet just bounced off? Or better yet move me in a way that doesn't fucking involve breaking anything!"

"I didn't have time to think of a better solution!"

"Didn't have time? You have super speed, a second is like twenty minutes to you!"

"Well it's still better than a hole in your head!" Herman rebutted. 

Hagan sighed and shook his head then saw Mindy was nowhere to be seen, "Wait where's Mindy?"

"I moved to her room so she wouldn't be involved in the action, you're welcome very much!" Herman stated.

"It's 'thank you very much'," Hagan corrected him.

"Not in this case."

Hagan glared at him for a moment but found himself calmed pretty quickly and he said, "Well it's the most sensible thing you've done so far."

Woody and Zach entered the room, holding their side and the back of their pant legs drenched in beer.

"Woah, what's the deal with you two?" Hagan asked.

"I don't know," Zach confessed. "Woody just told me there was a sniper outside and then suddenly I tripped on Woody's spilled beer even though he was like ten feet away from me!"

This confused Hagan as well, till some pain flashed through his back and he saw Woody and Zach arching theirs. He shot an accusing look at Herman, who simply looked away and scratched the back of his head in feigned ignorance.

Another warning sign flashed on Woody's screen and he sees the same sniper still on the hood of their truck. He has moved slightly and the dotted line is still trained on Hagan's head through the door.

"Oh right! The sniper!" Woody remembered. "Hagan open your shield! He's still outside and aiming for you through the door!"

Hagan's eyes widen and he turns around to activate the shield while facing the door. A bullet punches through the wood and bounces off the shield, hitting the ceiling. It felt like a rough push, and it sent Hagan tumbling back towards the guys, and they all fell like a sequence of dominoes. Now they were on top of each other in a pile, and Woody saw with his infrared that the enemy target had rested the sniper on his back. He seemed to turn around and run, the helmet predicting he was heading towards a vehicle parked on the side of the cul-de-sac.

"Oh no! He's getting away!" Woody pointed out, wedged between Hagan and the floor.

Zach got up and pushed Hagan off of himself, pushing him onto Woody even more. They both yelped in pain as Hagan fell on him, while Zach rushed to the front foor and opened it. He went through the front yard and ran around the truck and saw a man decked out in a gray hoodie and old jeans with a sniper strapped to his back. He was booking it to an unmarked white van. 

"Oh, you're not getting away you piece of shit!" Zach said to himself. He aimed the gun towards the fleeing figure and shot at him about three times in quick succession. 

The first shot simply hit the road nowhere near him, where it simply dragged sparks across the concrete harmlessly. The second shot hit a lamp post, which fell and bounced once before laying on the road, having become detached from the ground. Finally, the third time he misses. Though instead of hitting the enemy himself, before the figure can approach the vehicle, it was shot by a laser beam from the back, which sent it careening forward. The doors of the back of the van would have to be pushed out from the inside, but the bolts of it broke and it tumbled in the vehicle. The van was dragging across the road on the front by its headlights until it landed on its back and rolled to nearly the beginning of the cul-de-sac.

A steady, small fire was seen inside the van through the broken windows. Both Zach and the figure stared at the vehicle in stunned silence for a few seconds, with Zach feeling quite impressed with himself. Their silence is abruptly interrupted by an explosion that sends the vehicle up and spinning back on it's wheels, the roof however, with a hole through it and some small debris raining around its perimeter. 

The sniper ducked down and held his head with two hands in response. Then he looked back at Zach, who saw that the sniper was wearing some kind of goggles, and booked it, trying to run by feet away from the armed man.

Zach scoffs and shakes his head, aiming his gun at the man once again. Before he can fire a single shot however, Herman runs past him, a blue trail obscuring Zach's vision of the sniper. 

Herman runs up to the man who is paused in a stance of him mid-running. His right knee was raised in cowardly flight. Herman smirked and grabbed his right hand then spun him around several times for half a minute. 

To Zach it looked like a mini, bright blue tornado that spun hypnotically. Hagan and Woody caught up to Zach and they jogged to the blue spiral.

When he was done, Herman stepped back and stood by with both hands on his hips as he watched the man still spin at his own whim. The man struggled to keep himself up, and he tore off the goggles and tossed them to the floor. Herman saw the man had a cut across his lip and they locked eyes for a second before the cut-lipped man vomited on Herman's gut and collapsed on the road.

"Ewww! God damn it!" Herman complained. He looked down to see the stomach portion of his DETIA shirt was now caked in an orange and pea-green mix of barf. The sight alone made him and the rest of Lazer Team want to barf themselves. Hagan gagged into his shield arm but kept his 'contents' in. 

Woody walked up to the figure and turned him over. The man was knocked out and Woody had seen the same cut Herman saw on his lip. He turned to the gang and said, "Let's go back to base. There we can identify him and turn him over to the military!"

Everyone nodded in agreement, and they saw Mindy approaching them. She grabbed Zach's cannon arm, and asked Hagan, "Why are there three spilled beers and a hole in our door? What happened?"

The four struggled to find the right words to explain the dilemma, but in the quick pacing of what just happened, found it difficult to comprehend the whole mess themselves. Mindy's eyes laid on Herman's drenched belly.

"Oh, ew. _What_ happened?" She asked in both disgust and confusion.

Again, the four just stood there in silence. Hagan opened his mouth, then closed it again, and just looked at his daughter before shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head, no more confused than she was.

* * *

Back at the DETIA base, in the Colonel's office, Lazer Team stood in front of a shocked Emory. Two soldiers stood by Emory's side and two more stood by his door. The Colonel's mouth was agape.

Hagan and Woody held up both arms of a knocked out assassin in front of him.

"That guy is unconscious," Herman stated bluntly, pointing to the man.

"I _know_ he's unconscious, I want to know _why_ he's in my office," Emory stated. His eyes fell a little below Herman's eyes to his gut where a large, dried stain was. "Now just _what_ happened to your-"

"I don't wanna talk about," Herman interrupted, uncomfortable. He was about to fold his arms but remembered the 'stuff' on his gut and left his arms hanging to his sides.

Woody looks at the unconscious hit-man and suddenly a flood of information enters his mind and numerous text appears connected to the man.

"This is a hit-man that attempted to take out Hagan," Woody stated, hand held up to the helmet. "His name is _Vladimir Kazakov_ formerly know as 'Deadshot'."

"What? Like the comic book villain?" Hagan questioned

"Well, he didn't know the name was from a comic book villain, so he changed his alias to 'Head-Shot'"

The rest of the Lazer Team and Emory gave Woody a strange look.

"Apparently his current alias name is 'pending.' It's not final," Woody said. "But we were lucky to have survived! Apparently he has had over 100 targets, each of which he has been able to successfully kill with a shot to the head."

"We survived a dude with a perfect track record?" Zach asked. "Sweet!" He pumped his cannon arm into the air.

"Mr. Johnson how did you come by this information?" The Colonel asked, standing up from his chair.

"I think while being near or inside the base, my helmet can access and pull files from its mainframe."

The Colonel gave Woody a suspicious look and asked, "May I ask that you refrain from accessing confidential government files?"

Woody shrugged, replying, "It wasn't intentional, the information just comes by and I can access it as easily as one can an app. Besides pulling files has been useful in the past, like before when I pulled the files off the Antarean shi-"

"Well, in any case," Emory cut him off, tired of speaking about the fight. "We will deal with our new prisoner, why don't you head off into your bunks?"

Despite having woken up just an hour or so ago, the four looked tired once again. Herman _only_ had two beers and was covered in barf, Zach barely spent any time with Mindy besides urging her to stay inside after the incident, Hagan was _just_ starting to have a fulfilling conversation with his daughter, and Woody felt disappointed they couldn't even make a short stop of light up some fireworks. 

The four moved to return to their bunks, defeated and exhausted. Before they left, Hagan turned to the Colonel and asked rather tiredly, "Oh and what time are we training tomorrow?"

The Colonel was surprised by his question and felt a bit proud in seeing that they've found the motivation to train, and confirmed they would train at all.

Trying to restrain a grin forming on his lips, he stated, "0500, just like last time."

Hagan nodded and they left the room. As they did, the Colonel felt that they've achieved something, having evaded a well-equipped hit-man and shown curiosity towards their training. But this diminished quickly, and as he looked down at the hit-man his feelings became replaced by curiosity and a small fear that a lot more than aliens would threaten their progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well shit, that was not '2-3 days' or a 'week'. Sorry about that :/
> 
> I actually wrote most of this fic in like two hours, but then two weeks after that had a huge creative block. Inspiration came back to me though and I finished it up in a few more hours weeks after.
> 
> Sorry, I'll try to upload more frequently like once a week. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Hopefully the next one comes sooner.


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